WEIGHT LOSS PICS FROM 2014-2017

           

This is me at 489 lbs!!  The picture was taken in Nov 2014, not too long before my gastric bypass surgery.

 

           

This picture was taken in February of 2015… 3 months after bypass surgery… I had lost about 75 lbs!

      

This picture was taken July 12-13th of 2017… my weigh in for surgery was 309

This is my most current picture… I need a full length one and I will get one soon…  but you get the idea… I’m still on a mission to lose weight but most importantly to be healthier.  I am still recovering from the  surgery I had in July, but I am getting there.  If I can do this, than others can too!  I am studying to become a Certified Health Coach and plan to start my business after the first of the year! I won’t be your typical coach and preach about what you should or shouldn’t do… God knows I’ve been told that my whole life and it set me up for failure every time. My approach is to teach others the science and proof for living a healthier life and once you get that, it makes so much sense! Diets fail, restrictions fail… I am proof it can work, it’s about changing your life for the better!

I hope I can inspire others to live healthier and learn to love yourself no matter where you are on your journey. Hurdles make us stronger!

SURGERY #3… beyond repair??

So here we go… after 3 years of suffering with no end in sight and being put on several different medications with no resolution, I was at my wits end! My gastric surgeon didn’t seem to care too much nor was he trying to help me. His answer to my problem was… “the medications you are on should of taken care of the problem, I don’t know why they haven’t worked”. I was diagnosed with 2 large ulcers 2 weeks after I had gastric bypass surgery. I was put on medication to help with the ulcers…. Pantoprazole, and Carafate. The medicine did help a little bit but not ever completely. We tried different meds and I had 3 endoscopes done. If you remember from my last post this was all happening right after I had bypass surgery in Nov 2014. So fast forward all of this continuing to the beginning of 2017.

I went to my regular Dr in August of 2016 because my symptoms were only getting worse. My gastric bypass Dr just wasn’t trying hard enough to help me… it felt as if he got his money from doing the surgery and now I have become a pain in his butt so he just wanted to wash his hands of me. And yes, this is the same Dr that did my previous Lap Band Surgery in 2007… I didn’t want him to do the gastric bypass surgery but due to my insurance I only had 2 places to pick from… I tried to get another surgeon within the practice to do it, since there was 5 surgeons in that office that did the gastric bypass surgery. But no luck! The office told me I needed to use the same Dr as I had before as he was familiar with my case and body. I thought after the first experience with him maybe was just a fluke and since it had been 7 years since the Lap Band everything would be okay. Obviously I was wrong!!! I learned I should of listened to my “gut”, pun intended! But can’t turn back time so on we go…

After I went to see my regular Dr he wanted me to go see a Gastroenterologist. I agreed to go because I didn’t want to go back to the quack-a-doodle I was seeing! Only problem was the Gastroenterologist was booked solid until December. So that meant more pain and suffering but I waited it out. I was very hopeful after my consultation with the new Dr that I was finally going to get help. She scheduled another endoscope so she could see what was going on. After the endoscope. was done I was excited for her to say what the next step would be. She knew I did not want to go back to Dr Dumbass (which by this point that is the name my family, friends and I had gave my bypass surgeon) she totally agreed with me about not going back to him, as she too thought his treatment plan wasn’t getting the job done and there must be something else going on inside besides an incurable ulcer. So Dr comes in after the endoscope. was done and told me the news I did not want to hear… she advised me there was something not right at all going on but she wasn’t 100% sure what it was… even the word Cancer was brought up, because of my gastric surgery site she could only go down inside so far but she didn’t know what was going on, on the other side. All my symptoms etc were not leading to good things.

She advised me I would have to go back to Dr Dumbass even though she didn’t want to do that to me. Her exact words were, “you have a big mess in there and he needs to see it”. This was a total blow but she forwarded my test results over to Dr Dumbasses office and I set up an appointment. In January I went and saw him. He did another endoscope so he could see for himself. He said it was still a “little ulcer” which he had previously said on 3 other endoscopes he had done and when we pressured him for more defined answers he would not comply and walk out of the room. Well this time we knew it wasn’t just a “little ulcer” and he said, “I don’t know what to do for you at this point all the meds we have tried should of worked”. He said we should continue on the meds and wait a few more months and do another endoscope to check it. I advised him this wasn’t going to happen!

He made a rude comment and said well, ” 4 of my colleagues all looked at your case this morning during our staff meeting and agreed with me.” Of course I gave him a look from hell and then he says, “well I guess you can go see Mayo Clinic then if you want and we will refer you”. I said, “good, let’s get this started.” I don’t think his pompous, arrogant ass thought I’d say that. So he took me to one of his nurses and told them what we was going to do and for her to get it set up. Both Dr and nurse told me they had never done this before so they had no idea how to do it. The nurse took my information and said she would call me in a couple of days and if I didn’t hear from her to call back. Well of course I didn’t hear back from her so I took matters into my own hands… I was sick and tired of being in pain!! So I called my insurance and found out what I could and couldn’t do and which Mayo I should go too etc.. I found out I did not need a referral so I could set up everything myself and then bring all my records with me once to the Mayo Clinic appointment.

My spouse by this time which is in the military had been mobilized in Texas since October. So I was trying to get into a Mayo branch clinic in Texas, that did not work and we eventually decided to make the long trip to Rochester, Minnesota. BTW, we live in Kansas. I was seen in March and after the Dr’s had reviewed all my medical records and looked at the endoscope results told me that I was not getting blood to my new stomach pouch which then was resulting in the ulcer. They drew us diagrams and everything which was so awesome!! In 10 minutes we understood so much verses 3 years going through this with Dr Dumbass!! They said I needed to have another endoscope done by their Dr’s. So that was scheduled for April. So in April we went back for the endoscope.

Let me just say that Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN is fantastic!! We had NO idea what to expect or what we was even doing but that place runs so efficient that it will blow your mind!!! They have it all down to an exact science from the elevators to giving each patient a print out of where they need to go, what desk they need to check into… it was an amazing experience under the circumstances! The place is huge and so many people… you know people that go there are really sick and I found myself wanting to ask them when you are crammed on an elevator… “so what are you in here for”? LOL!

So April and the endoscope… before we went in the nurse had told us we would meet the Dr doing the scope and then afterwards we would get the results from a nurse but we wouldn’t see the Dr again. So while I was in recovery room, the Dr came in… I knew this probably wasn’t good and it wasn’t… he informed us I had a very large, nasty ulcer and things didn’t look good. They were worried about my pancreas and if it had been damaged and other medical terms I don’t even remember. He flat out told us that we needed to be prepared… I needed surgery sooner than later and there were odds stacked against me to survive. This was life threatening and the surgery would not be easy. My Dr’s at Mayo never said an ill word about Dr Dumbass but they agreed had I not sought out help from them then I would not of lived through this.

I was so worried about having to reverse the surgery back to my original stomach… I was more afraid of gaining back weight vs dying. Since Dr Dumbass had told me the only thing he could do before I went to Mayo was to reverse the surgery. Mayo Dr’s advised me they didn’t know what would happen once they got in there but they would try to save it. They could of done the reversal but since my new stomach wasn’t getting blood supply and basically dying (they call it ismatic) no matter what surgery they did to fix this it still may not get blood to it after they did surgery. Its extremely rare the complications I had even happens. They have only seen it in 2% of gastric bypass patients. Mayo sees the worst of the worst cases and I was no exception.

So after all this my new surgeon came in and met with us along with a team and we went over everything. All we had to do then was wait… we had to come back home and wait for insurance to approve everything etc. They said it would take about 6 weeks to get everything set up. Mind you, I needed to have surgery sooner than later. Ugh. So it was a very stressful time. Not knowing what was going to happen and I was still in a lot of pain. Finally insurance was approved but my original surgeon that we met at the Mayo Clinic had to take a leave of absence… but he knew I had to have this surgery so he gave all of my information to his colleague. I was then scheduled for surgery July 13th.

Day of surgery… surgery lasted a little longer than they thought it would… my “small” ulcer that Dr Dumbass had diagnosed had attached itself to my liver and it had to be removed. Then because Dr Dumbass had not put in the correct length of my limb on first surgery… the Mayo team had a hard time re attaching the bypass… then when Dr Dumbass had taken out my feeding tube a year and a half ago prior to this… he didn’t get it all out and I had to be rushed into x ray to make sure it would pass. I actually was waking up during this part and they were trying to tell me that I may have to go back into surgery. Luckily, x rays showed the remnant that was left in me would now pass naturally now and all was good.

My surgery was an open surgery which I knew this going into it. I woke up with a wound vac on my incision but all went well! I survived the surgery!!! The odds were not in my favor but I beat the odds!! Surgery was a success! I was in the hospital for 5 days. The worst part of that whole ordeal was when they had to put in the epidural! HOLY CRAP, that hurt! That was all done before surgery tho, and they could not get a vein for my IV and stuck me 5 times!! I looked like a walking pin cushion!

We came home and all was well… until 2 days after being home my incision started separating. We called Mayo asked them what to do they said go to my local ER here. I was bleeding so bad, it looked like I had been stabbed when I walked into the ER waiting room… just like in the tv shows… I had a towel putting pressure on my stomach and boy did the people stare. They got me back in a room and thought I just had a hemotomia… which meant I had a small blood clot that released itself under my skin. They did some other tests and found I had a UTI which they said was common after surgery since I had a catheter put in. So they put me on antibiotics and sent me home. A couple more days went by and my wound was getting worse… I reluctantly by the advise of my mother and spouse called my regular Dr and made an appointment to see him. My mother had come to take care of me while my spouse worked during the day. I was very weak and didn’t have the energy to go anywhere but my recliner. My mom took me to the Dr and he took one look at it and said, “I need to make a phone call” he came back into the room and told us we need to go see the wound specialist and he would see us now. His office was across the street. I didn’t have the energy for this but off we went. Long story short they thought maybe my wound had disdained from the inside which meant my insides could come out… this Dr visit was grueling to say the least!! I didn’t feel well at all and we ended up having to wait for over 3 hours… I was in the worst pain of my life and all I wanted to do was go home and rest. The following day I had to have a contrast CT done to see if the wound had disdained. Luckily, it had not! But I had a very bad infection!!! Which meant I could disdain at any time if I wasn’t careful. I still had staples in steri strips in between. I was supposed to have the staples removed in just a few days.

My wound care Dr was going to be out of town for a wedding so he wanted his colleague to look at it and check on it before I had those staples removed. My mom and I went back to see the colleague that we had been introduced too and that we had a made an appointment with to check the staples. He undid the top staple, nothing happended… then he took out the second one and nothing… then the staple right above where the infection was… I was literally looking at my mom when she was about ready to say, “so what happens… OMG!!” I of course looked down and seen my stomach part like the red sea!! Even the dr stepped back a little bit, which I knew couldn’t be good. I was waiting for the blood to start flowing but nothing happened. My mom says, “well what now” and Dr says, “we leave it just like this and let the wound heal like a book” It will heal from the inside out. I had a HUGE gash in my gut that was so disgusting!! He put some gauze in it showed my mom how to clean it and sent us home until the other Dr got back in a couple of days to look at it. I was so grossed out when my mom had to clean it, I couldn’t look at all.

When I seen my wound Dr the following week he sent me over to the Wound Care Center at the hospital to get a wound vac. Boy, those aren’t fun to have at all!!
My wound was so deep he could literally put both hands inside my stomach and once all the staples came out, I tore, and so I had an open wound from my breastbone to past my belly button. 14 centimeters long 8.6 cm deep, 12 cm wide. I wore the wound vac for several months. I had to have a home health nurse come 3 days a week to change it out. Not a fun process at all!!

I was supposed to go back to work August 26th but wound Dr said no. My work place HR was not helpful or very understanding and Dr kept pushing my release date. He finally agreed to half days for awhile. Even though I was a dispatcher and got to sit all day, I was still not ready to go back to work. I tried but it was very hard on me and painful. My spouse and I decided I just needed to quit and focus on my health and getting better.

So that brings you up to speed now… I’m still recovering… my wound looks much much better! I do not have much energy still and some days are a lot harder than others but I have come a very long ways from where I was and I’m getting stronger everyday! I have been through so much adversity and challenges beyond my control but it is true what they say, “what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”! Very true statement!!

Thank you for reading all of this and my journey… now that you know my back story we can focus on the future! I am in school now to become a certified health coach and my goal is to help others that struggle with their weight… so now we can focus on that… onward and upward!!

WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY… #1

After struggling with my weight for so long and being on an up and down roller-coaster ride, I decided in 2007 to have Lap Band Surgery. I had tons of support from my family, friends and co workers and I was ready to make a change. I had tried many diets, diet fads, diet pills, laxatives and even going to a dietitian but nothing worked. Sound familiar to any of you reading this? You have tried everything, every pill, every exercise plan, only to fail again and again! In the years past when I had lost over 100 lbs and trained daily I could not seem to get the “old” driven me back! Even my dietitian asked me once, “why are you here, you know how to do this”? And she was right! But I just didn’t know how to do that anymore. NOT!! I was lazy, in denial and I wanted a quick fix. That was the truth of it all!! I became so addicted to food and my lifestyle living in the city with all it’s conveniences, I lost all control of myself. And any and all excuses came into play. I always thought since I lost all the weight before I could just do it again. But it never came. I struggled and lost the battle over and over. I’d try for a little while and get some results but I could never stick with it. And the more obese I became, the easier it was to not make changes. I ballooned to over 330 lbs and this was just in a couple of years! When I moved to the city I weighed about 250 lbs, that was in 2006… that year I also had a hysterectomy which did not help with the massive weight gain. My body was out of control along with my emotions.

By November 2007 I had packed on 80 lbs! In the summer of 2007 I decided I wanted to do the Lap Band surgery and because my health insurance didn’t cover it I had to take out personal loans. Totaling almost $13,000! As some of you know… if you have had weight loss surgery, whether you have insurance or not there are many many different hoops you have to jump through. For those of you that don’t know what you have to do before having surgery or having a consultation with a bariatric surgeon… the hurdles are crazy but for good cause. The surgery center that I went too required me to have certain criteria met BEFORE I could have a consultation with the surgeon. Those requirements were, we had to attend a mandatory seminar about the different types of weight loss surgery offered by the surgeons. Each surgery was explained in great detail what they entailed. At the end of the seminar, (you had to complete the entire thing, no leaving early or showing up late or it didn’t count)… at the end of it we received a big packet to fill out and with more criteria to complete. In the packet given we had to meet with a dietitian, (which I had already tried this and failed but it was required for documentation), my regular Dr had to submit a letter to the bariatric surgeon agreeing that he thought it was a good idea that I have the weight loss surgery. I also needed to see my regular Dr for 6 months, he had to submit documentation on my weight and the things we discussed during the visit. I had to see a sleep therapist and go through a sleep apnea study. I thought this was a total waste of time or so I thought. We had to drive 3 hours for the closest one to us at the time. Come to find out I have severe sleep apnea. So lucky me I got set up with a machine and all that fun stuff. Then last thing other than having all the financial stuff in line was… I also had to see a psychologist to make sure I was of sound, mind and body to handle the surgery and the outcome. Once all the things were done they scheduled me for a consultation. I was beyond excited about my new adventure! I met with my surgeon and we discussed the procedure and what to expect.

I got scheduled for surgery November 26 2007. I tried to educate myself as much as possible before surgery mostly all the pros of surgery and not so much the cons. For 15 days before surgery I had to go on a strict liquid only diet, no solid food whatsoever. It was totally brutal! A food addict having to go cold turkey… and speaking of turkey… I was on the liquid diet during Thanksgiving! It was tough but I was determined! I remember right after Thanksgiving my mom and I went Black Friday shopping and because I was over 300 lbs no regular clothing fit me, and I remember her saying, “just think sis next year at this time we will be buying you new clothing”. I couldn’t wait!

The day of surgery everything was in place. We drove the hour and a half to meet my surgeon at the surgery center. Plan was to have the surgery and after 2 hours in recovery, since we lived over an hour away, we had to book a room at the hotel across the street from the surgery center. This was all prearranged and done by surgery center. We called the day before to make sure everything was in place, it was confirmed that all was a green light. Almost immediately after surgery I was not handling the anesthesia very well. It had made me very sick and nauseous. They took a chest x ray to make sure the band placement was correct and all was well. The surgery center released me to go over to the hotel. We got over to the hotel and come to find out our room was never booked! Here I am feeling so awful and now I don’t have a room to go lay down in! It was all supposed to be included in the fees that we already had paid for. So we had to get a room in a different hotel because the hotel the surgery center used was booked! We finally got in a room and laying down in a bed was not going to happen. I had no idea it was going to hurt so bad. I had been through major surgeries in the past that didn’t hurt this bad. Then the fever began. Next morning my mom called over to the surgery center to tell them of my fever. They said it was okay for me to go on home and keep an eye on it…

For the next 3 days I ran a high grade fever. I could not sleep in bed. The only way I could sleep was a recliner. They finally agreed to see me, so back to the surgery center an hour and a half away we went. I had an infection. My port site was badly infected. I took antibiotics but it didn’t seem to be taking care of it. Two weeks after surgery I was unable to eat or drink. Back to surgery center again and again and again. My living hell! I was placed in the hospital and had an IV since I was so dehydrated. My surgeon wanted a barium swallow done. I warned the tech that nothing would go down without becoming stuck and he soon learned I was not lying. I got to see the x ray and the band had completely closed around my stomach. So my surgeon put me on steroids for the swelling to go down. 3 days in the hospital and I could finally eat and drink a little bit. But soon after the band closed off my stomach again. By this time I had no saline left in the band, it had been completely drained. My surgeon wasn’t much help after this. I was missing a lot of work and having to travel once a week to see him. My Dr here was a little fit to be tied with my surgeons behavior. He ended up sending me over to the hospital as an outpatient to get IV treatments to keep me hydrated. This went on until April. I had lost over 100 lbs by this time. I had an appointment with my surgeon after my regular Dr here intervened and called him. My family and I had decided enough was enough and it was time to take out the band. My surgeon did not agree. He wanted me to wait another six months and get the swelling back down. I had made up my mind that I was done though. Even his head nurse agreed and even came in the room with my mom and I while meeting with him. Per his agreement that we signed before surgery if for any reason I needed the band removed his pay would be waived but I would still have to pay for the hospital, anesthesia, etc. He sent me down to set this all up with his staff. They called over to the hospital since now I would not have this surgery done at the surgery center. The hospital advised they needed $10,000 down before they could schedule me!!! Yep, I just have that kind of cash lying around!

I left the surgery center devastated! I had no idea what to do next. The following week things only got worse, so my surgeon decided to back door me into the hospital. Which meant I needed to drive back to the surgery center and because it was his day to be on call at the hospital he would admit me as an emergency and I would have surgery the following day. I was told not to say anything to the nurses or anyone at the hospital. He warned me that they would fish for details and he wasn’t wrong about that! The following day which was a Thursday, I was to have the removal at noon. He was running behind so I didn’t have surgery until about 4:30. That day was a rough day for sure. Just trying to get the IV alone was hell. My veins were almost non existent due to being dehydrated. I remember crying as the nurses were sticking me over and over trying to get a vein.

I had the removal surgery. And I thought that would be the end of it. But instead I woke up with a drain tube hanging out of me and I had a severe infection! So severe I was in the hospital for a week! I actually flat lined on Saturday because my oxygen went so low. I woke up to all these Dr and nurses in my room and hovering over me. And when I woke up… one of the Dr’s said, “welcome back” I said, “uh where did I go”? They proceeded to tell me that I had basically died. I was like, “well crap what does that mean” the Dr’s looked at me puzzled. And I said, “well if I died then why didn’t I see the white light, all I seen or remember was darkness” we all laughed and life went on after that.

I never seen my surgeon while I was in the hospital but while I was there one of his colleges came in to check on me. She was doing rounds and came to check my wounds. My surgeon didn’t even write in his notes that I had a drain tube or infection. So when she looked at my wound where they removed the port she saw the drain tube and was very surprised and even stated that this wasn’t in the notes anywhere. Hmmmmm… Months later after this experience I spoke with a lawyer and we requested my medical records, half of what happen to me was not in any of my notes and it looked like things had been removed. My lawyer advised me it would be very difficult to prove negligence or if the infection happen before or after surgery. It was a mess and now in hindsight I wish I had found a different lawyer and pursued this more. But I didn’t, I let it go just so I could move on with my life.

I had lost over 100 lbs and felt good once the band was removed. Life went back to normal… somewhat… about a month later I went through a break up and decided to stay here in the city and make a life for myself and my son. I loved my job and the money I was making. But as life does, it crept up on me. I started to gain the weight back slowly at first. In 2010 I learned that my beloved plant where I worked would be closing down and moving most of the jobs to Mexico. I had no idea what to do then. The eating was becoming more out of hand as I became depressed not knowing the next step to take. I enrolled in college classes. I wanted to try to have things in place before the plant closed and I didn’t want to live off unemployment. October 2010 was my last month at that job I that I loved.

My weight was on the rise. I went from taking night classes to going to school full time during the day. I studied it seemed like 24/7. I didn’t just want good grades but I had to be the best. I had to be on the Dean’s list and have a 4.0. I was living off unemployment and I hated it!! I was afraid of my future and future of my son. I began to look for jobs. In December I applied for a job in law enforcement as a dispatcher. It was a 6 month hiring process which they informed us that it takes that long to research your background, lie detector test, among other things. In May of 2011 I was hired and began my training. It was the hardest training I had ever been through in my life! I used to build jets and planes for a living and this was by far the most challenging thing I had ever done!

As a dispatcher I learned you are literally chained to your desk and a phone all day. And sometimes you can’t just get up and walk around when there is something going on. I had never had a sedentary job before. And the constant sitting, not moving and stress level of the job really helped pack on the pounds! I worked 2-10 pm so a lot of late night eating and fast food. I ended up having a TIA stroke but that didn’t seem to stop me from eating. A few months before this happen I had to make the hardest decision of my life and let my son go live with my parents. It was like losing my heart letting him go but it was best for him since he wanted to play sports in a much smaller school. He had the chance to excel and go after what he wanted and we both were very fortunate that my parents wanted this for him too. I went back every week to see him and watch him play but it definitely took its toll on me. Depression set in hard. I was good at hiding it from everyone but hardly a day went by that I didn’t cry. I was a mess without him! He was my life. Now you say, why didn’t you just move back? It wasn’t that easy, I tried to find a job closer to him, but back then we were in a depression, I was a single mom, and I just started a new job. Back then jobs were very hard to come by especially good paying jobs with benefits! Sounds like an excuse but I assure you it was not! I did the best I could… it will always be something I wish I had changed. But he turned out damn good and I’m beyond proud of all his accomplishments!

All of this pushed me further and further to food. Food was my best friend and enemy. I let it consume me! You don’t realize what your doing to your body by abusing it with all the wrong foods. I was eating constantly. I would swear to you my Charger knew it’s way to McDonald’s before work and after. Every now and then I’d throw in Taco Bell just to change it up. I’d eat cookies, cake anything with sugar… I wasn’t happy unless I had some type of junk food. Then of course my Dr Pepper addiction. I would drink mostly water at work but before and after you’d always find me with a Dr Pepper in hand. And on my days off… never water always Dr Pepper sometimes a 24 pack in 2 days. I worked a very long schedule. I worked 8 days straight followed by 2 days off in the middle of the week then 7 days straight of work and 4 day weekend which was amazing! But when you work that crazy schedule the first day off all you want to do is sleep. Mentally I was drained. I got myself into terrible habits… yeah ya think? Before I knew it I was almost 500 lbs!!! A girl that knew how to train and workout and eat right… mentally I checked out! I no longer knew myself, I banned all mirrors and my clothes were nothing short of wearing a tent. I looked hideous. And I began to hide out. I became a hermit. I used to enjoy going out with friends and dancing but once you get that obese, moving was a whole challenge! No more dancing, no more hanging out with friends, my whole demeanor changed. I just wanted to hide. I also used to love to perform as a singer, music meant so much to me, but at this point there was no way I would sing in public. I always sang in the house but wouldn’t go back on stage anymore.

This was all my plummet and spiral straight into hell as a bottomless pit!!

The story continues… Next blog will be about my second weight loss surgery…. oh yes there is more! Thank you for reading! Please follow me and have a good day!

My Journey… with food addiction

From the time I was a small child I fought with my addiction to food and body image. I was never fat as a kid but I often compared myself to classmates and friends around me. And as I progressed through the dreaded teenage years the same thing happen. I never felt good enough in sports, didn’t matter what the stats said, I needed to be better. Yep! I’m a little competitive! If I couldn’t be the best then I didn’t want to play! I felt like I was always competing and most of the time it was with myself. It didn’t matter what it was, I competed. I competed against food! I thought if I stayed at a certain weight that life would be so much better. I’d be cooler, funnier, life of the party! But every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was fatness. I body shammed myself every single day. Pick myself apart. My butt was too big, I had thunder thighs… my stomach wasn’t flat enough. I felt like I was deformed and ugly. I was neither of those things but it was a constant battle within. I used to eat a Zesta cracker for lunch and I would break that cracker into fours. The more I limited my food the better I thought I felt… which in reality I had no energy, my muscles were weak and so on. I didn’t want any of my friends or family to know what I was doing to myself… I liked being the life of the party and laughter was always my way of fixing everything that I hated about myself! I took it from starving myself to binge eating and making myself throw up. I liked how food made me feel and the rush I got and instant gratification… but I would soon feel horrible for eating all those calories and knew I had to get rid of them. Once I got out of high school and away from that environment, I tried to focus and eat the way I was supposed too.

After high school I got married at 19, and had my son before I turned 22. I was in an very abusive marriage and that did not help with how I felt about my body. He would make horrible references to my body and how fat I was getting. That my ass, “looked like chewed bubblegum” I did gain a lot of weight while I was pregnant… before pregnancy I weighed about 125-130 and while I was pregnant I soared to 185… shortly after giving birth I found the strength to divorce him and start a new life with my son. I had tons of support from my family and friends. But there were scars that would not heal and the more I tried to lose that “baby weight” the more it shadowed me.

I struggled and struggled throughout the years after my divorce. I was a single parent and I hated to cook! So we didn’t eat the best of foods to say the least! Sonic and Pizza Hut and processed foods. We lived in a small town not much to pick to pick from. I taught my son that to be rewarded for something good was to go out to eat… if we had to go grocery shopping in the city then if he was good I’d take him to McDonald’s. Luckily by a miracle my son has never had to struggle with his weight. Maybe because he had a fat mom and never wanted to go down that road himself. I remember eating his leftovers after he’d eat because I didn’t want the food to go to waste!

This went on for years! I would do good for a while and then back to overeating! Why have one cookie when I could have the entire package? I literally woke up one day in the middle of January 2000 and decided no more!! I weighed 242 lbs! I got back into that competing with myself again and off I went… I walked 3 miles 5 days a week, watched what I ate made it my focus. By the end of the summer I had lost 100 lbs!! Life was back on track and I felt great! I got into mountain biking and I loved it! A friend of mine got me into competing and it was so much fun! Then I wrecked my bike in 2005. I messed up my back really bad. Dr told me no more riding or playing softball, another passion of mine. I was devastated and after back surgery I never bounced back. Physically I mended but not being able to do the 2 sports I loved sent me on a downward spiral. The bad habits I had overcome for years came back with a vengeance! I went from 142 lbs to 330 lbs in a couple of years! We moved to a bigger city and the food options were so much more to chose from. I went from a small town of having just a couple of choices to eat to moving here and having many many options. I was in food heaven!! And every day of the week they had a different special for the night… Monday night was Spangles night, Tuesday, Taco Bell night, Wednesday night was Kentucky Fried Chicken, you get it… every day they had a special and it was cheaper than going to the store and getting food to cook. My fast food addiction had begun! Not only did I LOVE sugar and sweets now factor in fast food and it was everywhere around me! To me it was like an alcoholic having a whiskey stand on every corner… I never got bored… the choices were endless! Then add in all the times I did go to the store and I would fill my cart with cookies, I’d buy whole decorated cakes, cereal, you name it… anything with sugar. I’d hide it all if friends came over… I had a sickness… my eating was so out of control… I wasn’t willing to make changes! You know you have a serious problem when you can’t even look at yourself in a mirror… I didn’t even have a mirror in my house. I didn’t want to know what I looked like! And forget about going out in public if I didn’t have too! I went from enjoying being a social butterfly to just holding myself up in the house. I became a hermit!!

There is plenty more to say… but I will end it here for now… stay tuned for more! Next blog will be about my 3… yep 3… weight loss surgeries!

FOOD ADDICT… that is me!

We’ve all had those cravings… whether it’s something sweet, something salty, fast food to soda pop! I’ve always been addicted to junk food/processed food… the more it was bad for me, the more I craved it! WHY? Because it tastes good and for me most importantly, it’s convenient!! I don’t like to cook, like many of us out there. If I could go get fast food somewhere it made my life much easier. The worst thing I had to do was sit in my car and wait in line for the drive thru. I could have my food in just minutes and be on my way to eating and divulging into my decadent sin.

I was the typical person saying, “I didn’t have a food addiction”. People would ask me all the time if I was an “emotional” eater… my response was always, “No, I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad, no matter the occasion”! I ate because I was hungry!! I was hungry ALL the time! And my fast food addiction was out of convenience and not wanting to take the time to cook my meals, not because I was addicted, or so I thought. But my food addiction was not just for fast food but sweets as well… double whammy! I could go to the store and literally look in my cart and not have anything in there but junk! Cookies, cake, cereal, processed food, and I would always look over my shoulder to see who I might run into in the store and be embarrassed about what was in my cart! I didn’t want people to “judge” me! Ha! I knew what I was doing to my body subconsciously but I wasn’t ready to come to terms with it.

What is a food addict? Addiction of any kind is a behavior. Being addicted to food is no different than being addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling or shopping. It is a behavior. Being a food addict myself I’ve made a million excuses for my behavior! Food for me is a reward in any state of mind I have been in. Food has always been my comfort, my place of acceptance from the world. Just like any other addiction food gives me that quick gratification and the sense of feeling good in that moment. How did I know I was an addict? Because I couldn’t just stop! I needed the rush I got from the food I was eating. I sneaked around and hid my addiction. I would hide candy bar wrappers in the trash, under other pieces of trash. I would hide fast food sacks in the trunk of my car after I ate it and then throw it out later when no one would know. Until the day I got busted by doing that! The humiliation I felt when I was found out! Standing there with no words to say. I knew I had a problem. But I didn’t want to give up how food made me feel. I just had to get better at hiding it and not make the same mistake by getting caught again. Of course I never thought about how this was all effecting my health and what I was doing to my body. You can’t eat that much food and not gain weight. And boy, let me tell you… I gained a lot of weight! I became very complacent in my life. Same routine, same bad habits, no change for good.

I am a food addict no denying it, no running from it! Every day is a choice for me… every day my behavior towards food does define me and where I want to be!

I created this blog to help others that struggle with their weight and food control issues by sharing my experiences. My goal is to help others by showing them that they are not alone in their journey and there is hope to get past it and live your life! I’ve been through the gamut and I will explain all as we go… it IS a marathon and not a sprint… so stayed tuned… there is more to come!

Hello world!

Hello All! 

Thank you for checking out my blog and I hope to take you on a journey of discovery, gaining an understanding of self and all the lessons learned along the way that have helped me in my perpetual food fight.  Humor has protected me along the way so be prepared to laugh while we move through the maze of a life heavily influenced by food.  Through the dieting, the exercising, the weight loss surgeries (yes, that’s right…plural) and finally to not just a healing of the body but healing the mind as well.  Every day is a lesson learned and some are more of a struggle than others. However, I am determined to continue to learn new things and become stronger, faster and able to leap tall buildings.  Look for health tips, fitness ideas, guest bloggers who will provide tips on managing stress, improving sleep, the emotional brain behind food addiction and much more. 

Please join me in this adventure and together we can stand against the enemy of addiction!