My Journey… with food addiction

October 18, 2017

From the time I was a small child I fought with my addiction to food and body image. I was never fat as a kid but I often compared myself to classmates and friends around me. And as I progressed through the dreaded teenage years the same thing happen. I never felt good enough in sports, didn’t matter what the stats said, I needed to be better. Yep! I’m a little competitive! If I couldn’t be the best then I didn’t want to play! I felt like I was always competing and most of the time it was with myself. It didn’t matter what it was, I competed. I competed against food! I thought if I stayed at a certain weight that life would be so much better. I’d be cooler, funnier, life of the party! But every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was fatness. I body shammed myself every single day. Pick myself apart. My butt was too big, I had thunder thighs… my stomach wasn’t flat enough. I felt like I was deformed and ugly. I was neither of those things but it was a constant battle within. I used to eat a Zesta cracker for lunch and I would break that cracker into fours. The more I limited my food the better I thought I felt… which in reality I had no energy, my muscles were weak and so on. I didn’t want any of my friends or family to know what I was doing to myself… I liked being the life of the party and laughter was always my way of fixing everything that I hated about myself! I took it from starving myself to binge eating and making myself throw up. I liked how food made me feel and the rush I got and instant gratification… but I would soon feel horrible for eating all those calories and knew I had to get rid of them. Once I got out of high school and away from that environment, I tried to focus and eat the way I was supposed too.

After high school I got married at 19, and had my son before I turned 22. I was in an very abusive marriage and that did not help with how I felt about my body. He would make horrible references to my body and how fat I was getting. That my ass, “looked like chewed bubblegum” I did gain a lot of weight while I was pregnant… before pregnancy I weighed about 125-130 and while I was pregnant I soared to 185… shortly after giving birth I found the strength to divorce him and start a new life with my son. I had tons of support from my family and friends. But there were scars that would not heal and the more I tried to lose that “baby weight” the more it shadowed me.

I struggled and struggled throughout the years after my divorce. I was a single parent and I hated to cook! So we didn’t eat the best of foods to say the least! Sonic and Pizza Hut and processed foods. We lived in a small town not much to pick to pick from. I taught my son that to be rewarded for something good was to go out to eat… if we had to go grocery shopping in the city then if he was good I’d take him to McDonald’s. Luckily by a miracle my son has never had to struggle with his weight. Maybe because he had a fat mom and never wanted to go down that road himself. I remember eating his leftovers after he’d eat because I didn’t want the food to go to waste!

This went on for years! I would do good for a while and then back to overeating! Why have one cookie when I could have the entire package? I literally woke up one day in the middle of January 2000 and decided no more!! I weighed 242 lbs! I got back into that competing with myself again and off I went… I walked 3 miles 5 days a week, watched what I ate made it my focus. By the end of the summer I had lost 100 lbs!! Life was back on track and I felt great! I got into mountain biking and I loved it! A friend of mine got me into competing and it was so much fun! Then I wrecked my bike in 2005. I messed up my back really bad. Dr told me no more riding or playing softball, another passion of mine. I was devastated and after back surgery I never bounced back. Physically I mended but not being able to do the 2 sports I loved sent me on a downward spiral. The bad habits I had overcome for years came back with a vengeance! I went from 142 lbs to 330 lbs in a couple of years! We moved to a bigger city and the food options were so much more to chose from. I went from a small town of having just a couple of choices to eat to moving here and having many many options. I was in food heaven!! And every day of the week they had a different special for the night… Monday night was Spangles night, Tuesday, Taco Bell night, Wednesday night was Kentucky Fried Chicken, you get it… every day they had a special and it was cheaper than going to the store and getting food to cook. My fast food addiction had begun! Not only did I LOVE sugar and sweets now factor in fast food and it was everywhere around me! To me it was like an alcoholic having a whiskey stand on every corner… I never got bored… the choices were endless! Then add in all the times I did go to the store and I would fill my cart with cookies, I’d buy whole decorated cakes, cereal, you name it… anything with sugar. I’d hide it all if friends came over… I had a sickness… my eating was so out of control… I wasn’t willing to make changes! You know you have a serious problem when you can’t even look at yourself in a mirror… I didn’t even have a mirror in my house. I didn’t want to know what I looked like! And forget about going out in public if I didn’t have too! I went from enjoying being a social butterfly to just holding myself up in the house. I became a hermit!!

There is plenty more to say… but I will end it here for now… stay tuned for more! Next blog will be about my 3… yep 3… weight loss surgeries!

FOOD ADDICT… that is me!

October 12, 2017

We’ve all had those cravings… whether it’s something sweet, something salty, fast food to soda pop! I’ve always been addicted to junk food/processed food… the more it was bad for me, the more I craved it! WHY? Because it tastes good and for me most importantly, it’s convenient!! I don’t like to cook, like many of us out there. If I could go get fast food somewhere it made my life much easier. The worst thing I had to do was sit in my car and wait in line for the drive thru. I could have my food in just minutes and be on my way to eating and divulging into my decadent sin.

I was the typical person saying, “I didn’t have a food addiction”. People would ask me all the time if I was an “emotional” eater… my response was always, “No, I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad, no matter the occasion”! I ate because I was hungry!! I was hungry ALL the time! And my fast food addiction was out of convenience and not wanting to take the time to cook my meals, not because I was addicted, or so I thought. But my food addiction was not just for fast food but sweets as well… double whammy! I could go to the store and literally look in my cart and not have anything in there but junk! Cookies, cake, cereal, processed food, and I would always look over my shoulder to see who I might run into in the store and be embarrassed about what was in my cart! I didn’t want people to “judge” me! Ha! I knew what I was doing to my body subconsciously but I wasn’t ready to come to terms with it.

What is a food addict? Addiction of any kind is a behavior. Being addicted to food is no different than being addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling or shopping. It is a behavior. Being a food addict myself I’ve made a million excuses for my behavior! Food for me is a reward in any state of mind I have been in. Food has always been my comfort, my place of acceptance from the world. Just like any other addiction food gives me that quick gratification and the sense of feeling good in that moment. How did I know I was an addict? Because I couldn’t just stop! I needed the rush I got from the food I was eating. I sneaked around and hid my addiction. I would hide candy bar wrappers in the trash, under other pieces of trash. I would hide fast food sacks in the trunk of my car after I ate it and then throw it out later when no one would know. Until the day I got busted by doing that! The humiliation I felt when I was found out! Standing there with no words to say. I knew I had a problem. But I didn’t want to give up how food made me feel. I just had to get better at hiding it and not make the same mistake by getting caught again. Of course I never thought about how this was all effecting my health and what I was doing to my body. You can’t eat that much food and not gain weight. And boy, let me tell you… I gained a lot of weight! I became very complacent in my life. Same routine, same bad habits, no change for good.

I am a food addict no denying it, no running from it! Every day is a choice for me… every day my behavior towards food does define me and where I want to be!

I created this blog to help others that struggle with their weight and food control issues by sharing my experiences. My goal is to help others by showing them that they are not alone in their journey and there is hope to get past it and live your life! I’ve been through the gamut and I will explain all as we go… it IS a marathon and not a sprint… so stayed tuned… there is more to come!

Hello world!

October 7, 2017

Hello All!

Thank you for checking out my blog and I hope to take you on a journey of discovery, gaining an understanding of self and all the lessons learned along the way that have helped me in my perpetual food fight.  Humor has protected me along the way so be prepared to laugh while we move through the maze of a life heavily influenced by food.  Through the dieting, the exercising, the weight loss surgeries (yes, that’s right…plural) and finally to not just a healing of the body but healing the mind as well.  Every day is a lesson learned and some are more of a struggle than others. However, I am determined to continue to learn new things and become stronger, faster and able to leap tall buildings.  Look for health tips, fitness ideas, guest bloggers who will provide tips on managing stress, improving sleep, the emotional brain behind food addiction and much more.

Please join me in this adventure and together we can stand against the enemy of addiction!